The World Could Be Otherwise by Norman Fischer

Author:Norman Fischer
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Shambhala
Published: 2019-04-29T16:00:00+00:00

CONFLICT IS LOVE

Having spent a lot of time studying and contemplating conflict, I have come to believe that there is a drop of love at the center of every conflict.

What makes conflict conflictual? Opposing interests. But what is opposed to what?

We all need and want love. We all know that love lies at the center of who we are as human beings. We all understand the imperative to love the other as ourselves, however much we have forgotten or deny this. So when the other seems to be threatening us, there is a disturbing disconnect with something that lies deep within us—our intense need for one another. This is why severe conflict seems to rock us to our very foundation, much more than the issue at hand would seem to warrant. Is the money or the honor really all that important? Is it really worth all this expense, time, and struggle? What is it that has us so upset?

At the bottom of every important conflict is a sense of love having been betrayed. We are as shaken as if jilted by a lover. Certainly we notice that when we are in a deep conflict with someone, we are as closely connected to that person as we are to a lover. We think about them many times a day, dream about them at night. What is it that makes conflict so compelling? Why is conflict at the heart of every play, novel, soap opera, TV show, pop song, and dramatic episode of our lives? It’s because conflict is about the failure of love, and love is what matters most.

This is particularly noticeable in family conflicts, which are so common and so painful. We are hurt most by the betrayal of those we had counted on to love us. The indifference or hostility of someone who is supposed to love us is much more painful than that of a mere acquaintance. It hurts us to the quick.

This goes for tribes of people as well. I have noticed that the most virulent and longstanding of the world’s great conflicts are often between groups close to one another in proximity and ethnicity—the Israelis and the Palestinians; the Irish Protestant and Catholics; Sunni and Shite Muslims. Civil wars are always the most bitter wars. In a sense, all conflicts are civil wars—bitter combat between siblings who love and depend on one another and, exactly because of this, feel the pain of opposition all the more intensely.

The magic of conflict is to recognize that there is a point of connection and even love at the heart of what is most painful. Because we care so deeply for one another—however much we are not in touch with this caring—we are capable of hurting one another. Once we know this, we can search within for the hurt and vulnerability. It is there somewhere—underneath the anger, defensiveness, or aggression. If we can let ourselves feel the hurt, grief, fear, and disappointment, eventually we will find the love—that place within us that contains the basic human feelings we all feel for one another.

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